Choices: My Story of Abortion, Healing, and Redemption | Guest Contributor: Naomi Mattei, STS Certified Leader

The Choices I Made

There are moments in our life that change us forever. Some are small, some are life-altering, but each one leaves a mark, sometimes a scar, sometimes an open wound we do not notice until something brings it back to the surface, when something or someone brushes against them and reminds us they are still there. When those reminders come, the hurt rises again, and we begin to see how our choices shaped us. We thought we understood what we were doing at the time, or not, but it is only when the consequences appear that the what ifs, would ifs, could ifs, and should ifs begin to unfold.

I have asked myself many times as a pastor, counselor, and a coach: What makes a person choose what they choose? Is it emotion? Is it logic? Is it fear? Is it survival?

Looking back, I know my choices in 1984 and 1987 were not logical. They were born out of pain, confusion, and a lifetime of wounds I did not yet know how to name.

1984 — My First Abortion

By 1984, I had already carried a child. I knew the joy of pregnancy, the miracle of feeling life move inside me, the love that grows long before birth. I knew what a child was, it was not a “clump of cells,” not an idea, but a life, and yet, when I became pregnant again, the father of my daughter told me I had to get an abortion. “You can’t manage another child,” he said. “You can’t afford the one you have.”

I was young, alone, working two jobs, and drowning in responsibility. His words embarrassed me, shamed me, convinced me that he was right. I shut off my emotions and tried to make the decision with “logic.” But the truth was, I did not have much self-esteem to begin with. I was not worthy, not wanted, not capable. So, I talked myself into believing lies, the lies that the baby was not really a baby yet, lies that ending the pregnancy was somehow the responsible thing to do. I did not want an abortion, but I did not know how to fight for myself, or for my child.

When it was over, something inside me froze. Whatever feelings I had for him disappeared. My heart grew colder. I hid behind pain, shame, and the belief that I was unworthy of love. I built walls and told myself never to trust anyone, especially a man.

And honestly, how could I? I had experienced sexual abuse throughout my childhood and into my teens. I blamed myself for all of it. I did not understand that it was not me, but the sickness of those who had preyed upon a vulnerable girl with no protection, no guidance, no love, and no one to tell her it was wrong.

My choices came from darkness, from hurt, from a broken identity. From a heart that had never been taught its worth.

1987 — My Second Abortion

My second abortion was different, but the pain was the same. By then, I was with the man who would later become my first husband. We had been together for around six months when I found out I was pregnant. I wanted to keep my baby, just as much as the first pregnancy, I wanted to choose life, but he did not.

“I don’t want a kid running around eight years from now,” he said. “I am not paying support. We do not even know if we will stay together.”

His reaction stunned me. It hurt deeply. It confused me. And once again, “logic” won, not mine, but his. My daughter had grown attached to him. My family liked him. He seemed stable, something I had never had. So, I gave in. And another life was lost.

We never talked about it again. I do not know if he regretted it. I do not know if it affected him. But it affected me. It separated my heart from his long before our marriage ever began. I will never know if this was the real reason I left, and in doing so, I hurt my son who was born out of the marriage.

Two children are lost. Two choices made out of fear, pressure, and lies. Two lives that should have been.

When Everything Broke Open

Those abortions were my breaking point. They were the moment the weight of my past, my trauma, my shame, and my identity collapsed. I did not know who I was, I did not know how to love myself. I did not know how to choose differently, but God did.

God’s Redemption

Years later, through Surrendering the Secret, through dreams, through gentle whispers of the Holy Spirit, and even through the book Heaven Is for Real, God showed me glimpses of my children as whole, loved, alive in His presence.

He showed me that His grace covers everything. His mercy reaches into the darkest places. His forgiveness is complete. His love restores what was lost.

I survived the financial struggles. I survived the abandonment. I survived the divorce. I survived the trauma, and by His grace, I survived the choices that broke me.

Today, I stand forgiven. Redeemed. Set free.

My Prayer

Lord, thank You for Your grace, Your mercy, and Your forgiveness. Thank You for Your blood that covers me, my children, my abortions, and my healing. Thank You for walking with me through every season, the good days, the hard days, and the days ahead. Thank You for holding my children in Your presence. Thank You for restoring my heart. Amen.

If you have experienced an abortion and are carrying feelings of grief, shame, regret, or pain, there is hope for healing. At Surrendering the Secret, we understand the weight of these experiences, and we would be honored to walk alongside you as you begin your healing journey.

Reach out to us today at surrenderingthesecret.com/find-help  to take your first step toward healing, freedom, and restoration.